The end of 2017 was my fork in the road. The catalyst to understanding what it feels like to experience truth in my body.
Some might call it an awakening.
Others might call it fate.
I call it my journey to deepening and reclamation.
A journey, because it’s really only just begun. The depth and the reclamation, in sweet partnership. One inspiring the other to pull back the next layer, the next layer, and the next.
Today, one year ago I began to miscarry.
The first 24 hours was spent moving between my bed and the toilet, allowing Mother Nature to have her mysterious way with me, one agonising contraction at a time. This, my third pregnancy of only 10.5 weeks, provided me with a new understanding of the grief and confusion that so many women face, all too frequently under a cloud of shame and isolation.
At the time, I felt compelled to share the personal story of my miscarriage, which you can read here.
Now, I recognise that the experience of opening my heart about my loss was the beginning of a far more authentic and honest relationship to myself and my purpose in this life.
It was the first time I had a word – no a way of being – to describe an experience.
I was a woman who had danced between embodiment and dis-embodiment her whole adult life. I always knew I was a highly sensitive person, yet I would connect to this concept via intellect and theory, without tuning into the truth in my body – the real story and gifts of my sensitivity.
I had been absolutely embodied during the two births of my daughters. Awake to every sensation, every emotion, and every thought.
But in truth, I had been utterly dis-embodied in many other aspects of my womanhood.
I had shut down my sensual, pleasure-seeking nature.
I had become obsessed with “achieving” and “productivity”.
I had let grief and trauma take up space in my body.
I looked outward for guidance more than I looked inward.
I blamed others and situations more than I assumed radical responsibility.
I had tuned out my higher self and my connection to the universe.
This all lead to a kind of half-in / half-out experience of existing in my body.
There was a deep knowing that my intuition was alive in me, a theoretical understanding of the wonders of the psyche and a firm distaste for the patriarchal constructs that kept women from their inherent brilliance… yet I hadn’t surrendered to, nor claimed my power.
Until I miscarried.
Until I chose to feel it all. This sacred, exquisitely complex experience.
I dived into it, letting it wash over me in waves. I spoke prayers and intentions to Mother Moon, I conducted personal and family rituals honouring grief and closure. I lit candles. I meditated. I pulled tarot cards. I wrote and I danced.
Therein, 2018 birthed a new part of me. I’d been cracked wide open and as challenging as it was, I craved more.
Never one to be hemmed in, I chose 3 words to support me to grow this year.
Brave, wild and trust.
As I reflect on my year and all that has unfolded, I know it’s because of the promise I made myself to filter all experiences through these words.
I can say, one year to the day that my third pregnancy ended, that this loss was the reason for so many soul-stirring, magical, tremendous gains. Has it all been rainbows and unicorns? Fuck no.
But have I felt it all? Yes.
Have I shed self-perpetuated limitations? Yes.
Have I put myself, my pleasure and my freakin’ powerhouse creativity and radiant femininity first? Yes.
Have I felt more and more connected and inherently supported by the divine cosmic forces that were there, waiting for once I cared to invite them in? Oh my Goddess, YES.
So how exactly did these words guide me?
BRAVE showed up in many forms. She was and still is the “fuck it – I’m just going to leap” when I approach big, exciting but shit-scary decisions. She helps me to follow my heart whisperings into experiences that could bring judgement from others, but so much juicy goodness for me. She backs me when I have no idea how something might pan out or if I have the means to follow through.
She is the vulnerability in my words. The authenticity in my leadership. The honesty in my intimate connections.
It was BRAVE who enticed me to delve deeper into the truth of my body. It was BRAVE who opened the door to my embodied life.
Yet, it was WILD who opened my eyes to the exquisite power and sacredness of my body. It was her that tilted my chin up to the moon and begged me to see her, feel her, and let her permeate my life. It was her that reacquainted me with Mother Nature so I could experience her in the vibrant techni-colour she reserves for those who don’t take her for granted.
WILD stepped through that open door and now she owns the fucking temple! Oh WILD, how I love thee.
She resides in the wonder and celebration of my menstrual cycle. The depth of full body orgasm and the glow that comes from living a turned on life.
She also lives in my shadows.
Forcing me to confront and navigate my shame, rage, and grief; WILD taught me that these dark places are not to be feared, but to be embraced as potent opportunities for growth and healing.
WILD has shown me sisterhood like nothing else. She has been the magical thread weaving depth and beauty into real, raw relationships with women. She has been my lifeblood.
Finally, adding TRUST to the potion was the perfect ingredient to add flavour and richness, intensifying the potency of my BRAVE, WILD year.
TRUST is the pillow that cushions my falls. She continuously and reliably brings me back to the truth in my body, gently reminding me that my journey is unfolding just as it should.
She is surrender. She is acts of self-devotion. She is acknowledging the cosmos and my connected-ness with everything and everyone. She is magnetism. She is knowing the wisdom of my body and honouring her over my mind’s attempts to control outcomes.
She is and will continue to be the icing on the cake of my journey into feminine embodiment. Because we cannot really know the truth in our body until we trust that she is the ultimate messenger. The manifestation of our core values and beliefs.
She is the representation of our relationship to our ENOUGH-NESS.
To TRUST is to know that our life will serve us, as long as we lead with love.
To wrap up, in honour of learning truth in my body this year, I would love to share with you Oprah-style, 10 things I now know for sure:
Pain is not your ending. It is your beginning.
The future isn’t female, it is awakening the feminine (in all of us).
Everything happens in perfect time and in perfect order.
No-one else can be responsible for your pleasure but you.
Every ailment, illness or injury is your body asking you to listen.
Healing happens in the heart, not the head.
If you think you are (< FILL THE BLANK >), then you are.
Embodied leadership is TRUE leadership.
Sharing shame is the start of personal transformation.
Sensitivity is a gift.
Darling woman, thank you for seeing me. If you have travelled alongside me on my journey, or I’ve held space for you on yours this year, I want you to know how grateful and honoured I am.
As a Psychotherapist, I knew the power of the mind. Now also as a Feminine Embodiment Coach, I know the power of the body AS it dances in partnership with the mind.
Knowing truth in my body as deeply as I do now has even more powerfully affirmed my path in this life. If you are looking to heal, unravel, magnetise, awaken, and grow in 2019, it would be my privilege to guide you in this process.
I am now available to take bookings for a handful of complementary 40 MINUTE DISCOVERY CALLS, over selected dates in December and January.
If you are curious as to how feminine embodiment, the Diamond Mother Archetypes and my personally unique approach can support you to discover and reclaim the magic of your life in 2019, then please book your call here.
For a taste test of my work, be sure to claim your free Mama Magic Embodiment Workshop today!
Big love for a juicy + abundant festive season,